Rondeau Ramblings: What is Failure?

This past week, I found myself contemplating failure quite a bit. It coincided with the Tulsa humanitarian crisis, where powerful winds exceeding 100 mph and a couple of tornadoes wreaked havoc on the city. Approximately 70 percent of the population endured power outages, while essential resources such as gas, ice, and food became scarce. Personally, I endured three days without electricity, and sadly, there are still individuals without power even after almost a week. 

However, the purpose of this blog post isn't solely to discuss these events. Throughout that week, I spent a significant amount of time lying in bed, reflecting on missed deadlines and assessing what I could or couldn't accomplish. It led me to realize that I grapple with the fear of failure, consistently feeling like a failure. 

In jest, I often recount my high school years when I tried to embrace Chinese culture, and my college years when I endeavored to fit into a specific mold associated with being white. However, as a multi-ethnic individual, I have frequently been told that I lack the authority to speak on either experience. Even as a professional GM, I have been excluded from conversations about game management, leaving me with a sense of inadequacy and an inability to contribute. It feels as though I must continually prove my expertise in any given subject. 

As I sat there, perspiring in the sweltering heat, my thoughts turned to my Ph.D. applications and upcoming tabletop shows. It dawned on me that I strive to be the absolute best at something because I believe that without that distinction, I am a failure. This realization likely stems from imposter syndrome. 

Perhaps I should have pursued a different career path. Only the most successful tabletop shows yield profits, and aspiring to become an academic professor necessitates obtaining a Ph.D., requiring excellence in every aspect. I don't know; I simply needed a platform to express my thoughts openly. 

Nevertheless, I will persevere. I will endeavor to not merely gaze at the ceiling lost in contemplation while pursuing my writing. "The Jade Reach" holds immense potential, and I believe my doctoral program applications are growing stronger each day.